Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Nothing to see here.

Don't expect much from me for the next couple of weeks. I got things to do, places to go, people to see, food to eat.

Merry Christmas.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Why I love my stepson.

Matt had to be at orchestra practice at 0700. This means I had to get up at 0600. (In civilian terms - WAY THE HELL EARLIER THAN I LIKE TO GET UP.)

5:51am - my alarm goes off, snooze
5:53am - his alarm goes off, snooze

6:00am - my alarm goes off, snooze
6:02am - his alarm goes off, snooze

6:09am - my alarm goes off, lay there
6:11am - his alarm goes off, snooze

6:11am - get up, go to his room, open door, "Matt! Get up."
6:11am - mmmmurrfmmmm

6:12am - go downstairs, let dog out, feed cat, get doughnuts and milk ready for Matt.
6:12am - nothing

6:13am - watch weather, gather crap that needs to leave the house with us, ie - backpacks, shoes, etc.
6:13am - nothing

6:20am - go upstairs, open his door, yell "MATT! GET UP!"
6:20am - mmmmmuurrrffmmm

6:20am - brush teeth, get dressed, wake Chris, tell him to get dressed, go downstairs, and not eat Matt's doughnuts
6:20am - staggers to bathroom

6:30am - knock on bathroom door, yell, "TEN MINUTES!"
6:30am - mumbles, "okay"

6:40am - sitting in family room waiting
6:40am - still upstairs

6:45am - waiting still yet
6:45am - finally comes down, starts wolfing down doughnuts and milk

6:47am - says, "Put on your shoes and get in the car", loads car with other boy and crap to take with us, starts car and backs it out of garage.
6:47am - still in house

6:55am - says a few choice words and bursts back into the house
6:55am - no where to be seen

6:56am - yell upstairs, "MATT! GET IN THE CAR!"
6:56am - spits out toothpaste, "okay"

6:57am - stands fuming in family room
6:57am - comes downstairs, "Did you get my phone?"

6:57am - head spinning, snaps, "Get your shoes on, I will look for your phone.", goes upstairs, pushes stacks of crap back from edge of bed and nightstand, finds phone under bed
6:57am - putting on shoes

6:58am - everyone in car and makes it to school in record time

7:05am - return home and start regular morning routine

7:10am - take blood pressure medicine

Thanks for the forward, forward, forward

To All My Online Friends:

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

In public washrooms, I never turn off the water unless a paper towel is handy since the faucet handle is still contaminated from anything I had on my hands before I turned it on.

I always double wash my fruit in boiling water since the rodents use it for a toilet while it is in shipment and storage.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I have tossed out all my teflon and T-Fal lined pots and pans for the same reason.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually from Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I have learned that your God only answers your prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 15, 2005


Squeaked by on this one.

Christmas Naughty or Nice List

I am on the The Nice List

After checking the North Pole database I had :

1,345 nice entries
561 naughty entries
Check your name on the Christmas Naughty or Nice List at JokesUnlimited.com

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Who knew?

Five Weird Habits of A Highly Weird Person

Count'em. Five. No more, no less.

1. I am beyond anal when it comes to the covers on my bed. They have to be smooth. I can not stand bumpy sheets. I have been known to tell David to get out of bed and help me straighten the covers! Gives me the willies just thinking about it.

2. I love odd food combinations: bananas and cheetos, french fries and peppermint milkshakes, etc.

3. I play Christmas music year 'round. Deal with it.

4. I don't like my hands to be dirty or icky. Touching raw meat drives me insane. I'm not OCD about it, but I need clean hands. Especially under the nails. Evidently I have been this way since I was little. Mom said I would come in the house and wash my hands and then go back outside to play some more.

5. I talk to people in other cars when I drive. Mostly the morons. I thought Chris' first word was going to be "Dumbass". Because of the dumbasses, I don't like to drive. People are idiots. (No, not you. You are pretty much perfect!)

What about you, you perfect, weird person? What weird habit do you have?

Friday, December 09, 2005

Remember that time we...?

(From the Goober Queen)

Please post a comment with a completely fictional memory of you and me. It can be anything you want– good or bad, silly or stupid, believable or not – but it has to be fake.


Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Stretch Monster

If you know where I can get one of these, I'll love you forever.