Friday, October 19, 2007

I know you are, but what am I?

Cursing Mama is from up north. This is for her.

You know you’re an Okie when…

It doesn't bother you one bit to use airports named for two men who died in the same grisly plane crash.

You can properly pronounce all of the following, and without laughing: Eufaula, Muskogee, Pushmataha, Sapulpa, Okemah, Tishomingo, and Chickasha.

You know that the true value of a parking space is determined not by the distance to the door, but rather by the availability of shade.

You readily understand the difference between 3.2 and 6.0 beer, and know what a "beer run" to another state is.

A tornado siren is not cause for alarm, but is usually just your signal to go out in the yard and look for the funnel. (Fun for the whole family.)

You are Okie if you've ever had this conversation with a friend:

* "Ya wanna coke?"
* "Sure."
* "What kind ya want?"
* "Dr. Pepper."

You've used at least four of the following words/expressions in daily conversation:

* reckon
* plumb e.g., "plumb stove up," "plumb tired," etc.
* Howdy"
* I swar instead of "I swear"
* fixin' to instead of "preparing to"
* chat instead of gravel

You understand at least five of the following concepts and expressions:

* Dry county
* The B.C. Clark Christmas jingle,
* "Once saved, always saved"
* "Useless as tits on a boar hog."
* "Go Sooners"
* "Shoot far and save the matches"
* Liquor-by-the-drink
* Vacation Bible School
* "Peppered cream gravy on everything, please Ma'am"
* Just open all the windows and get in the bathtub.

You can identify at least five varieties of venomous snakes on sight.

You understand that Oklahoma is a Southern, Southwestern, and Midwestern state - all at once. This is not a contradiction in your mind.

The local paper quickly covers national and international headlines on the front page, but requires six pages for sports and two pages for local church news.

Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

You don't find it the least bit odd to find "chicken fried chicken" on a menu.

You know the difference between "Durant" and "Doorant," and you always know which state has a "Mia-muh," and which one has a "Mia-mee."

You remember the profligate wealth of the Oil Boom, and you fervently pray for those days to return.

A BMW is not nearly the status symbol that a Ford F150 4x4 is.

You don't find it in the least bit odd to find video rentals, ammunition, and live bait all at the same convenience store.

You know all four seasons by heart: Tornado, Summer, Still Summer, Christmas.

You know exactly what calf fries and mountain oysters are, but you eat them anyway.

You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."

You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration, and he didn't mean farm animals.

You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.

You think that people who complain about the wind in other states are sissies.

A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

Tips for Northerners Moving South

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

Do not buy food at the movie store.

If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

People walk slower here.

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Not for CM 'cause I reckon' I don't want an ass kickin'...

Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at the Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner, O'Connor). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't
refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta or US Airways is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.

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